Dealing with infertility can be difficult to say the least. At times, you may feel that the Universe is mocking you, as it seems that everyone is fertile but you. Unfortunately that empty feeling can trigger depressed thoughts and frustration. It becomes easy to feel bitter, angry, and annoyed.
Here are some tips to encourage you, and hopefully help you cope with infertility.
(Note: If you’re at a point where you just want to be/stay mad about things… by all means sister, do your thing! Infertility stinks! But if you are looking for ways to overcome the bitterness, keep reading to find a few thoughts I am constantly reminding myself.)
1. Her gain is not your loss
When she posts a picture of those tiny shoes next to that ultrasound image, or shows off her weekly bump… when she shares the link to her perfectly photographed birthing story or proclaims a successful IVF treatment, don’t forget this very important thing: her welcoming that sweet little baby into the world did not take one away from you. There is no shortage of babies in Heaven. It’s ok to be happy for her!
2. Be gracious
This one can be tricky. Let’s just point out that life is hard! It’s hard with or without kids. There are enough tough things in the world--please don’t be one of them. Show support for others, especially for other women. Be courteous and kind. So what if she parents differently from how you plan to? Stop the jealous remarks! Being bitter will only hurt you.
3. Assume that others mean well
People say stupid things. Period. They will try to “console” you, they will try to “uplift” you, and 70% of the time, their good intentions come out as insensitive. From the lady who stated, “your lucky then,” to the jokester who asked if you were “doing it right” when they learned of your situation, people can be careless with words. I still believe people mean well. The truth is, people don’t know how to react when infertility is brought up in conversation. Shrug it off. Don’t be overly sensitive. (Although a little sensitive is okay.)
4. There is still plenty of loving to do!
Never forget the impact a woman without children can have in the lives of those she loves. As women we have an innate ability to nurture. It’s part of our nature. We love to care for things and people, and we do it well. Oftentimes infertility can leave an “empty” feeling--our desire to “love more” feels shunted. It doesn’t have to be that way! There are so many people and children that can still benefit from your love and you can still make a big difference in their lives!
And most importantly…
5. Keep moving forward
The most frustrating part about infertility is how little we seem in control. I can think of several cases where “all the stars were aligned”; the follicles were the right size, the sperm count was up, the uterine lining was the right thickness, and still… no baby.
It is so easy to get consumed in the hypothetical situations of pregnancy and motherhood. You start to plan your life around a “potential pregnancy”. Month after month you find yourself missing out on opportunities you could have taken, “if only you would have known”. Plan your life with what you do know and don’t hold back. Feeling stagnant can be just as frustrating as anything else. Don’t stop living life to it’s fullest! If you plan a trip to Timbuktu and fall pregnant… hooray you’ve got a baby! If you plan your trip, and still no baby… at least you have a trip to look forward to! Time will pass no matter what. What you do with it is up to you. Remember to always move forward.
Dealing with infertility can be heartbreaking and upsetting. Although it’s easier said then done, repeating these simple thoughts to yourself (over and over again) can help chase away the negatives! Don’t lose sight of the good that still surrounds you!
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