We want our children to grow up into confident, independent adults who can cope in any given situation, but we also want to protect them, and this desire to keep them from pain often causes us to unconsciously train them to be dependent and unable to function without us because they do not learn how to deal with disappointing situations on their own. Why on their own? Because when they solve problems on their own, this builds their confidence, so we need to give them opportunities to learn how to do this. My mother and I own a Taekwondo studio, and besides kicking and punching, our goal is to teach our students life skills, or skills and techniques they can use to be successful in all areas of their lives, not just the martial arts. The first skill we teach students of all ages is how to pick themselves up, take a deep breath, and say "I'm okay."
Now, what happens when a child falls down? There is usually a collective gasp from all the adults who see the fall. Then a concerned voice says, "Oh no! Are you okay?" And then the child starts to cry, scream, and otherwise demonstrate that they are NOT okay. I don't want to give the impression that crying is bad. It is a natural response to pain, but screaming and tantruming are not okay; they are a sign that we are not coping with the situation, and we want to be able to cope. So when kids fall down, I hold the gasp inside (You can't stop the gasp - but you can smother it and not let them see it.) And then I have a few different reactions based on the severity of the fall.
Not Really Hurt
Kids take their cues from our reactions, often waiting to see how we respond so they know how to act, so if the child pauses and looks around before they cry, then I know they are unhurt and can get up right away. In this case I smile or even laugh, like the fall was a funny joke they just pulled. I say, "Uh-oh, you fell down! You're okay, hop back up!" In this situation this is all it usually takes to get them back on their feet and off playing again, though you may need to repeat the instruction a couple times so they know they are really okay, especially if they are a recovering screamer.
Hard Fall, It Hurt, But There's No Serious Damage
These include most scrapes and falls where there was no head trauma or blood. In this case they start crying immediately because it HURT. I still say "Oops, you fell down," but this time I add, "You're okay, hop back up. Take a deep breath, you're okay." If it is more serious and the first "You're okay" doesn't calm them down, I will ask if they need hugs or kisses.*** I ask because sometimes they do and sometimes they don't. My three year old biffed it hard a few days ago on a tile floor. I asked if she needed hugs, and she said, with tears in her eyes, " No. I o-tay," and then promptly got up and ran off to keep playing.
Also, if it is obvious they are going to be fine then I will not go to them, I have them come to me. "Come here and I'll give you hugs and kisses." At first this may be hard - they are hurt and you want to go help them feel better! But by letting them come to you, it shows them that they can, and the very act of coming to you is often enough to get the tears to stop, and a hug and kiss seals the deal. Eventually they will start doing this on their own, without waiting for you to ask them if they want hugs. My six year old has learned that hugs from others help her feel better, so when she needs support she doesn't sit and scream until someone comes to her, instead she takes a deep breath, says, "I'm okay," and then if she needs further comfort she will come find me and ask for hugs to help her feel better. A story that illustrates this:
My six year old came inside from playing in the back yard with friends. She had tears on her cheeks, but was not crying anymore. She came up to me and said, "Mommy, I need hugs." "Okay, love," I said, giving her a hug, "What happened?" She gestured down to her foot, and I had to work really hard to hide my gasp - her foot had a giant purple goose-egg that looked awful! "One of the boys dropped a rock on my foot on accident." The worried mom in me came out, and I asked if she was okay. Her response? "Yeah. I got hugs. I'm okay now," and then she went right back outside to keep playing. She needed reassurance and love, and then she was ready to go. The key for parents to remember is that we need to trust their judgement as to what they need. Sometimes we want to hug and hold them because their pain is painful for us - we're the ones who actually need the comfort - but we have to resist so that they can learn to trust their own judgement as well. It took everything I had not to make a big deal of the injury. Instead, I trusted her that it was fine, and it was. She was right, all she had needed was a hug.
***If they are older kids, or not my kids, I may ask them if they want to wash their face instead. Water on the face is very refreshing and gives them some time to collect themselves before jumping back into class/ whatever activity they may be doing with their peers. The goal is to give them some activity that distracts them from the pain/embarrassment of the situation. A drink of water, a walk around the room, a few deep breaths to calm down, all are easy things that will work as well.
Bad Fall - Blood, Head Injury, Broken Bones
This is the case where it is most important to stay calm and help them to calm down. The best way to do this is to keep your voice calm, light, and loving, all while seeing to the injury and helping them to cope with it. Even when it may be life threatening, the calmer you remain, the more able you will be to get them the proper medical attention, and the calmer they are, the better they will respond to treatments. You do not want to be the proverbial hysterical mother who has to be asked to leave because you're only making it worse. You want to be the mom who helps them stay calm even when super scary things are happening because you are safe and they can trust you. I'm not saying this is easy, but it is certainly worth it. Example Story:
My youngest was climbing on a stool to get a drink at a water fountain and it slipped out from under her, causing her face to meet the metal edge. Blood was EVERYWHERE, she was screaming, and a panicky mother would only have made it worse. Instead, I took a deep breath (very handy when you really want to freak out instead) and urged her to do the same. This is a rough idea of how the next five minutes went:
"You're okay, I know it hurts, but you're okay. Take a deep breath and say, 'I'm okay...' shhh, take a deep breath and say 'I'm okay.' Good girl! let's check out your teeth, I know there's blood, but it's okay, sometimes we bleed, but you're okay. Oh good, it looks like all the blood is from your nose. Noses bleed sometimes, so you're okay, but we're going to go to a doctor to make sure it's not broken, okay? Yup, keep breathing while we wipe some of this off your beautiful face. That's a good girl. Can you say I'm oaky? That's right! You're okay. Can mommy hold you for a while while we wait for the bleeding to stop? Sometimes it takes a few minutes for noses to stop bleeding. You're being so brave. I know it hurts and I'm so proud of you for being strong. You should be proud of yourself for being so strong. Yes, you're doing awesome. Shhhh, Mommy will hold you. You're okay..."
She only screamed for a few heart beats, and then it was a matter of keeping her calm while we waited for the bleeding to stop. She whimpered, sure, and she needed to be cuddled a lot that day because she was hurt and needed reassurance, but she only cried for a short while, and she knew she was going to be okay. The best part is that she is not afraid of bleeding, or having to go to the doctor, or even of the drinking fountain. It was an accident, she is okay, and it isn't a big deal. By remaining calm, reassuring her, and talking her through it, the accident did not become a traumatic event, it was just something that happened.
So when something happens, take a deep breath and remain calm. Kids are resilient - very few falls are actually life threatening. Help them to see this by encouraging them to hop up, take a deep breath, and say "I'm okay." When you do, kids will learn how to cope with falling down, and as they get older this translates into more abstract areas - and they may even teach you! Just today, after a series of misunderstandings that resulted in wasted time and being late, I was incredibly frustrated and started to cry. My three year old was in the back seat and heard me. Her response? "Mommy says is o-tay. Mommy say is o-tay." It was a great reminder. I took a deep breath and I said "I'm okay." And I was. It is amazing how your body and mind respond to what you tell them. And my three-year-old already has that skill down, so it's about time I started using it!