When I had my first daughter the nurses told me that crying, mood swings, and anxiety were normal for the first few weeks, but that the "Baby Blues" would go away. If it got really bad and I started having hallucinations or thinking about killing myself or my baby, then I needed to call them. There was no middle ground; they said nothing about what to do if the crying, mood swings, and anxiety never went away. All of those symptoms sounded very mild when they were explained to me, and lacking motivation didn't even make their lists. No one explained how intense the symptoms could be, so I will. This is what that list has meant for me for the past 6 years:
Crying. I could cry at the drop of a hat. All I had to do was stop distracting myself, clear my mind and think about how I actually felt, and the tears would flow. If you can imagine it, I rarely sat still long enough to ponder ANYTHING. I stopped writing in my journal or keeping any kind of record. It is hard to write when everything you want to say makes you cry. (Thankfully I can now write about this one in the past tense. It has been mostly eliminated due to medical intervention.)
Mood Swings. This isn't your normal PMS irritableness/weepiness. This is going from completely calm, to punch-the-wall, break-a-vase, scream-yourself-hoarse FURY at the drop of a hat. The intensity of the anger still amazes me. Just a few days ago I ran out of my prescription and didn't take it for two days. I didn't think anything of it until my little girls did something all little girls do, and instead of sighing and brushing it off, I FLIPPED MY LID. I went from "happy mom" to "scary mom" faster than I could blink. All the while I was thinking, "Why am I screaming? It's not that big a deal. I'm not even angry - Wait, I am angry! Why on earth am I angry?" After I got in control of myself, I apologized to my girls for yelling, took some of my emergency stash (Thank goodness for that!) and put myself in timeout until I felt normal. It was a chilling reminder of what my oldest dealt with every day of her life for the first three years. Again, this almost never happens anymore, though I can still be plenty grumpy on bad days.
Anxiety. All moms deal with stress, but this goes way beyond that. I often feel like there are things I should be doing, but that I am forgetting, and that when it all comes crashing down, I am done for. It is like living every moment waiting for the gavel to drop. Thankfully, those are the bad days now, but they used to be the good days. On bad days, like when something was due, or there was a big event, at those times I had to fight tooth and nail not to have a panic attack. People often make light of panic attacks, like they are an ailment for the faint of heart and if you really wanted to, you could stop them. Let me tell you, I tried. I did hours and hours of mediation, positive mantras, and positive thinking, and they helped a little, but all the positive thinking in the world will not fix you if your hormones are pushing you over the edge. I would end up curled on the floor, crying, struggling to breathe, and just wishing I could disappear so that it would all end. (These have also been mostly eliminated - thank goodness, or I don't think I'd be able to handle the due dates that go with participation in this blog!)
Lack of Motivation. I had no motivation to do anything and had to incentivize everything with games. "If you open your eyes you can play Tiny Zoo. If you get out of bed you can play Plants vs. Zombies. If you make breakfast you can play Tiny Chef." I remember walking up my front steps and seeing the potted tomato plant on the porch and thinking, "I should water that..." And then walking into the house and closing the door. My husband threw it away when it shriveled up and died. I am doing much better now, but there are days when all I want to do is stay in bed, and making myself get up is a true feat of will that only someone who has felt that way can understand.
Why do I tell you all this? For sympathy? Hardly. Sometimes things still break down, but I know what is going on and I use my back up plans. No, this is for the moms who are feeling like this, but have no idea why. This is for the moms who think they are crazy, or who think they must not be cut out for motherhood and that they never should have had a baby because they are a horrible mother. This is for the moms who would never hurt themselves or their child, but find themselves wishing they could just stop existing so that the pain will finally stop. This is for moms who regret how they have treated their child and who fear that their child will be scarred for life because of them, but can't stop themselves from blowing up the next time. I have felt this way. I have met many moms who have felt this way and simply suffered in silence. I want to let you know that it will be okay. It is dark and scary and it hurts, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel, even though you can't see it. These feelings are not your fault and you are not a horrible person. There is help out there, and if people know, they can support and love you through it.
3 Things you can do to combat postpartum depression:
1. Get Medical Help.
Because of my family history and a few bad experiences I have personally had with certain medications, I was reluctant to take anti-depressants. As luck would have it, my mother was introduced to a women's health doctor who does hormone replacement therapy right before my second daughter was born (Esme Anderson from Athena Women's Clinic in Orem, UT). When the depression came back full force a week after my baby girl arrived, my mom got me an emergency appointment. I got my blood work done and they discovered that my progesterone levels had dropped from the incredibly high levels of pregnancy to .3 (the non-pregnancy range should be between 12 and 20). So, in other words, my body pretty much stopped creating progesterone, which is responsible for helping you feel happy, relieving pain, and is converted into various other hormones your body uses, including cortisol, the stress hormone. There is a lot of negative press about HRT, which is a discussion for another day, but I will just say that I take a bio-identical form of progesterone, meaning that it is the exact same molecular structure that my body would make if it could. As a result, I have zero side effects other than feeling normal when I take it, though, because the body routinely fluctuates progesterone, and stress converts it to cortisol, I still have days when things could be better. It is a work in progress, but now, when low days happen I have other strategies, like deep breathing and positive mantras, that actually help. :)
This does not mean I am against anti-depressants. I feel they can play a vital role for many people. They were simply not the path I chose, though I would have taken them if the other treatment had not worked out. If it helps you to feel normal and function as a mother, it is worth it. One thing to keep in mind: whether it is anti-depressants or hormone replacement, the treatments take time and trial & error while the doctors figure out dosages and which medications will work for you. Be patient with yourself and don't give up hope.
2. Gather Your Support Network.
It is hard, but you need to let people know how you are feeling so they can help. I didn't want to be a complainer, or worse, a failure, but no one I have talked to has ever treated me that way. They have all been very understanding and supportive once they understood what was really going on. If they love and are close to you, then they know something is up. Let them in. If it helps, let them read this blog so they can get an idea of how you're feeling. Accept their love and help.
Here's a note you can give to your support people. Feel free to edit it so that it better suits your situation. This is just some of the things I had to deal with and what I wish someone had told my support people.
Ladies, let people help you. If you have people who are willing to bring in meals, accept them. If you have friends who will help you clean a room in your house, let them. This does not just apply to the first few months after baby is born. My youngest is three and there are times when I still need help. If it is a choice between having the energy to mop and having the energy to get my girls ready for bed and read them a bed-time story, I will let someone else mop.
3. Forgive Yourself.
I have said that this is not your fault multiple times, but that can only get you so far. I remember when I realized that the depression was real. It was a relief, but it did not take away the guilt I felt for how I had treated my little girl. I had not been able to love her, and I was terrified that she would never forgive me. I was still struggling with this when I had a wonderful friend tell me something priceless. She told me that her mother had had depression the whole time she was growing up, and that she had watched her mother blame and berate herself over and over again. My friend said that she wished she could have helped her mother understand that she didn't care. She didn't care about the depression, or the effects. She knew her mother loved her and was doing her best, and that was all that mattered. She loved her mother, and that was that.
This conversation lifted a huge burden for me. It has helped me put things in perspective. Would I still love my mom if she had had depression?
Of course.
And my little girls love me. So I am very open with them. I tell them what is going on and let them know I love them even when I am sad or angry. And when things don't go well, I hold them in my lap, apologize, and ask for their forgiveness. Then I take a deep breath and let the guilt go. Focusing on yucky feelings only makes them stronger, and I want to save my focus and energy for being better next time.
I realize this has been a long post, but it has been on my mind for a while. I hope that my experiences will be able to help someone else take some shortcuts to healing, because ultimately, we want to enjoy motherhood. And we will, though it might take a little longer for some than for others.